The spotlight is on romantic relationships as Valentine’s Day approaches. Knowing how to express affection in just the right way is challenging for adults, and it is even harder to know how to handle your children’s romantic feelings. We asked the experts for their advice on how parents can best handle a few common romantic situations that come with growing up.
Preschool: “I’m Going to Marry Mommy/Daddy!”
“It is not uncommon for children 3-6 years of age to express wanting to marry their parent,” says Ritamaria Laird, MA, LCPC, NCC, a leading expert in pediatric mental health who treats children at Individual and Family Connection in Chicago. “It is unlikely, however, that the child is experiencing romantic fantasies towards that parent. A child is not able to discriminate between romantic love and platonic love.”
Parents should respond in a loving, neutral way, as the child will feed off the parent’s energy.
“The response should be the same for each parent,” she adds. “If a parent is uncomfortable and anxious, this will likely make the child feel uncomfortable and anxious.”
Instead of trying to recall how “Oedipus Rex” ended, Laird advises parents to take heart because it is a sign that the child sees the parent as a safe, loving, and nurturing source. Take it for what it is—a child’s way of expressing his or her love and admiration for their parent.
Elementary School: Chasing Classmates of the Opposite Sex on the Playground
Boys and girls chasing someone whom they like on the playground still happens, and conflicts often arise. If your child is the chaser, time your talk with the child carefully.
“Choose a calm time, such as after dinner or during bedtime,” Laird advises. “Get your child’s perspective and reflect back what your child is telling you.”.
If the parent is angry and upset, it takes the focus off of the child’s behavior and the child will likely be defensive, leading to a missed teaching opportunity. Once parents understand why the child is behaving that way, they can focus on empathy by asking how the child being chased must feel. Parents can also help kids problem solve by identifying their feelings and needs, and brainstorming ways to get those needs met.
If your child is the one being chased, parents need to stand up for their kids. “There should be no tolerance for bullying behavior and children need the adults in their lives to advocate for them,” Laird says.
If bullying is not at issue, the situation presents opportunities for parents, including a chance to teach empathy. It is also a chance to teach your child to be assertive, which kids can practice through role-play. Ask your child to think about why the other child may be chasing them.
“Your child may be able to come up with a solution that involves playing with the child in a more appropriate way,” Laird says.
Middle School: First Big Crush and Subsequent Heartbreak
Puberty brings a lot of firsts, including that first really big crush. Ah, young love. While it may be tempting, parents should not minimize their child’s intense feelings.
“Teens and tweens need to feel accepted by their parents when it comes to their emotions,” Laird says. “Never belittle their feelings, or assume what they feel is insignificant or less real due to their age.”
Kids often experience their first heartbreak around the same time. Parents should focus on just listening to the child. “Offering advice is usually unsuccessful,” Laird says.
Parents should not minimize the experience or put down the significant other (even if they did dare to hurt your baby and clearly deserve to be called every name in the book).
“Doing so may make your child feel as though they have to defend that person or that you don’t fully understand what your teen is experiencing,” Laird cautions.
And of course you have some idea of what your child is experiencing. Haven’t we all been there?
High School: A Parent Walking In On a Make-Out Session
“You might walk in on your kid and your brain might go ‘AAAAAUUGH!’ That’s okay,” says Nadine Thornhill, a sexuality educator in Toronto, who suggests parents sort out their own thoughts first, before talking with their child.
“It may still feel awkward. If it does, I think being vulnerable and telling them, ‘I’m feeling weird about this,’ is a great way to start,” she says. The awkwardness is likely mutual.
“We don’t like thinking about our kids as sexual creatures any more than they like to think of us that way,” says Jo Langford, a therapist and sex educator in Seattle, who adds that the scenario is a chance to discuss a myriad of topics, including boundaries, safe behavior and laws.
High School: A Teenager in a Serious Romantic Relationship May be Having Sex
Parents might want to bury their heads in the sand and, as appealing as that is, the responsible move is to talk to your possibly sexually-active teen.
“Ideally, sexuality should be an ongoing topic of conversation with teens, but some teens are masters at evading their caregivers’ attempts to engage in any type of conversation,” Thornhill says. “Try doing it when you’re in the car, or at restaurant or some other place that they can’t run away screaming.”
She says that if kids don’t open up on the first try, a parent can drop it and try again in a day or two. Tell them that you care about them and understand that the relationship is important to them. Thornhill says it may not seems like your teens are hearing you, but they are.
In addition to sharing values, Thornhill says parents should discuss strategies for safer sex, various forms of abstinence, the importance of consent and anything else they feel is relevant.
There are also some things parents should not do, according Langford. First, don’t panic.
“Sex is not typically the floodgate we sometimes fear it is,” he says. “Many teens engage in sex with someone else, then don’t revisit the behavior for several weeks or months before trying it again.”
Don’t think it’s too late to talk to your kids. Ideally, parents will hit the important points before there is evidence of “activity,” but it is never too late.
He suggests that parents also not ask for specifics of their behavior and refrain from sharing “personal war stories.” You’d want your parents to do the same, right? Consider your restraint a Valentine gift to your child.
