Your daughter’s primary role model when it comes to sexuality is you, her mother.
According to psychoanalyst Joyce McFadden, author of the book “In Your Daughter’s Bedroom: Insights for Raising Confident Women,” from the time she’s a little girl, your daughter observes you closely for clues about how you feel about your body, your femininity and your sex life.
Which in one way is a relief. Who would we rather inform our daughters? The cast of the Jersey Shore? Her naïve girlfriends? Certainly, mothers are better sources when it comes to the nuances of womanhood.
Still, many of us don’t know how to guide our daughters. Our mothers didn’t teach us, but McFadden found in a study of over 450 women that even if a mother doesn’t say a word about sex, she communicates volumes, and her daughter bases her opinion of herself on those messages.
McFadden learned that mothers who don’t discuss sex—or present it as shameful or dirty—can have a lasting negative impact on their daughters’ confidence and self-image that carries over to areas beyond sexuality. Beyond health and safety, mothers should also demonstrate the pleasure and pride that comes with being a woman. And that means allowing them to see that sex matters to us.
“We want our daughters to have happy lives and self-esteem. This is about wanting them to do well.” McFadden told me in a recent phone conversation. “They need to know their mother values sexuality as a vibrant component of being alive.”
But relax, Mama, you don’t have to talk about the explicit details that McFadden refers to as the “ick factor.” Just being comfortable and open about the topic is enough.
“We don’t need to share specifics,” she says. “Girls want to know they’re normal and healthy and we’re their archetype. They want to know they can come to us—but we don’t need to know all the answers. It’s more important that we discuss it.”
Girls want facts, but they also crave closeness with their mothers.
“Daughters want an emotional connection and a sense of being brought into the gender, “ says McFadden. “Little girls want to know that we’ll answer their questions. Older girls want to know they’re not going to lose our love if they’re sexual creatures. The emotional piece is more important than the information. It’s an expression of maternal love.”
It’s not necessary to schedule a big “sex talk.” McFadden recommends working little nuggets of information into the conversation naturally from the time girls are very young.
“We want them to feel ownership of their bodies from the time they are little. We want them to know the names of their body parts and how their bodies work and have an ongoing dialogue with them. Then her confidence starts to grow so she listens to her instincts, and trusts her instincts, and follows them.”
If your daughter is already past puberty, getting the conversation rolling might be more challenging, but it’s never too late to engage. Let your daughter know you’re available if she needs you. Look for opportunities—like watching a movie or TV show—to express your feelings, experiences and values. And try your hardest to listen openly and empathically when your daughter shares hers. Sometimes “I’ve been there, I get it” is really all she needs to hear.
Want more Sex & the Suburbs?
Sex & the Suburbs – Live!
Shows about sexing it up after you’ve settled down
Sex after kids, marriage, and middle age is a hot topic on the North Shore, so we’re bringing Make it Better’s popular Sex & the Suburbs column live to the Wilmette Theatre.
Join columnist Marjie Killeen as she leads a panel of local experts in a smart, spirited discussion of intimacy, desire, and, absolutely, sex. It’s a great ladies night out, but we love our guys, so men are most welcome.
The series premieres on Thursday, Sept. 27 at 7:30 p.m. with – Why is Good Sex Important? (Especially Compared to a Good Night’s Sleep) followed by shows on October 18th, Monogamy Monotony, and November 29th , Bridging the Male/Female Divide.
Tickets for individual shows or the series are available at the Wilmette Theatre, 1122 Central Ave, at wilmettetheatre.com or 847-251-7424.
