Loss of a Spouse

It is one of the painful passages we all face, the loss of a parent or a spouse or a partner.

 

“You never really get over the grief,” says Dale LaPedus, a social worker and grief counselor at the North Shore Senior Center. “But you learn how to cope, how to bring joy back into your life.”

Difficult as it is, LaPedus encourages families to plan for the inevitable, to discuss it and to prepare the appropriate documents. They are relatively simple steps that often we are uncomfortable taking. They include:

  • Preparing a will
  • Having a financial plan for a surviving spouse or parent
  • Discussing medical procedure that should or should not be employed and recording this in writing
  • Executing a power of attorney in the event of an incapacitating illness or accident
  • Planning for a celebration of life or for services
  • Try to eat right, exercise, get enough sleep
  • Avoid alcohol, keep up with prescribed medications
  • Talk to caring friends
  • Join a grief support group
  • Try not to make major changes right away like moving or changing jobs
  • Don’t think you have to handle grief alone—consider talking with a social worker or engaging in short term therapy
  • Remember, others are sharing your loss, particularly your children

“If a couple has participated in preparations, advance directives, talked to an attorney, the expectation is that they know one will out live the other,” says LaPedus. “It is okay to say ‘I want you to go to the hairdresser’ or ‘I want you to go out to dinner, to have a good dime and don’t feel guilty.’

“You won’t miss your spouse any less but you’ve shared some ideas. Still it is difficult. This is someone you have chosen. You have grown together, shared secrets, shared the sleepless nights with a baby, raised kids, gone through the teen years together—it is a bond,” says LaPedus.

“Men and women grieve differently,” she says. “Women have a stronger support system and are comfortable discussing their feelings.” Men tend to keep things inside and are not as open to discussion, LaPedus says.

The National Institute on Aging advises those mourning the death of a spouse:

“Mourning takes time. It’s common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while.

Resources for dealing with the death of a spouse:
North Shore Senior Center: 847-864-3721
National Institute on Aging Information Center: 1-800-222-2225
AARP provides a range of information and sources at: www.aarpfinancial.com/content/Learning/lifecrisis_deathofaspouse.cfm

  Who We Are       NFP Support       Magazine       Programs       Donate    

X