Your toddler is wailing and flailing in public, and all you can think about is an exit strategy.
Fast-forward to elementary school and the approaching teen years—doors slam, insults hurl and cries hit unnerving decibels.
Frustrated, you want to have a tantrum. But, in teaching your child to manage his emotions, you have to keep your own in check, says Margo Jacquot, founder and director of the Juniper Center in Park Ridge and Northfield. So how do you remain calm when your child is losing it? Have compassion.
Early childhood
Set aside your embarrassment and concentrate on the child, Jacquot says. What caused the tantrum?
- Hunger
- Tiredness
- Illness
- Disappointment in not getting his way
Keep calm and move on:
Take a deep breath. It decreases stress and increases the brain’s ability to problem-solve. Then say, “I understand you’re upset. I want to help you. But you have to calm down first.”
Once the child settles down:
- Identify what he was feeling. “I think you were really hungry and you couldn’t tell me about it.”
- Give him the language to handle it. “Next time, say, ‘Mom, can I have something to eat.’”
- Teach him sign language. Young children learn to sign quicker than they learn to speak.
“Children have fragile egos,” says Claire Kopp, developmental psychologist and author of “Baby Steps” (MacMillan, 2003). A child who hears “no” all the time may suffer a bruised ego. Say “yes” when you can, or it could be damaging. The child who feels bad will either disobey the rules or follow them too rigidly.
Elementary School
Children become wildly disappointed when they don’t get their way, Jacquot says. Teach them how to cope.
- Let him or her know you understand how she feels.
- Share ways you handle disappointment.
- Do an activity together to calm them down.
Middle School
Middle school children are dealing with hormonal fluctuations that create a firestorm of emotions, Jacquot says. Instead of punishing him or her for outbursts:
- Show your child how to articulate what they’re feeling. “You can say words to me that tell me what’s going on. But if you’re just going to scream at me, I’m not going to engage in that.”
- Explain real life consequences. “What would your teacher do if you talked to her that way?”
The part of the brain that governs judgment doesn’t form until the mid-to-late twenties, Jacquot says. So fill your child’s “toolbox” with the skills to manage his or her emotions. It will help keep tantrums at bay.
