The grocery store meltdown, A.K.A., the toddler tantrum.
We’ve all been there, or witnessed an overwrought mom trying to deal with a kid who is, quite simply, freaking out. And while tantrums are definitely stressful, and embarrassing when they happen in public, there are some things a parent can to do to ease a tantrum and its aftermath.
Tantrums Aren’t Always Manipulative
According clinical child psychologist Alissa Levy Chung, Ph.D., parents often have misconceptions about tantrums, including the notion that tantrums are solely manipulative attempts by toddlers to get something they want.
While tantrums are often triggered by frustration, some can come out of the blue when a child is already on the brink due to fatigue, events that occurred earlier in the day or an ongoing life stress, Chung says. “Not all tantrums are manipulative or have a goal. All toddlers and young children have tantrums, and there are physiological reasons for this that are related to immature brain development.”
It’s Not Your Fault
Additionally, while many parents often feel like their toddler’s tantrums are a result of some parental shortcoming, they can feel better knowing it’s not about them.
“All kids have tantrums, and a child having a tantrum is not an indicator of the quality of parenting,” Chung says. “Some children have more reactive temperaments than others, and these differences can be seen even in infancy. Temperament can be shaped by environment, but some kids are going to be more prone to blowing their tops than others. It’s as if they start off with an internal thermometer set higher than the rest of us, and therefore it is much easier to cross the threshold to overheating.”
Limits and Expectations
In other words, Chung explains, there is no one-size-fits-all solution answer. You can, however, reduce the frequency and duration of a tantrum for many children by setting consistent limits, having clear expectations, and trying not to increase your emotional intensity along with your child’s.
For example, Chung advises that if you are going to a public place such as a store, plan ahead. Let your child know the rules and expectations in advance, such as “we are not buying any toys, or you may pick out one thing at the end if you follow the rules,” or whatever your expectations may be.
Reasoning and Logic Won’t Work
So what can a parent do to calm down a child who’s having a tantrum? First, says, Chung, whether in public or in private, it’s important to remember that you cannot reason with a child having a tantrum. “Your child is not listening to you or processing anything you say,” Chung says. “Take your child to a safe place, let him or her know that you will be a short distance away, and try not to pay much attention to your child.”
Chung advises that once the tantrum is over, and most do not last for a long time, then you need to deal with the consequences. For example, if your child made a mess, the child should clean up the mess. Chung recommends discussing what happened using a simple, clear, and brief message. Give out any logical consequence that you can, or suggest a better solution to your child for handling the problem next time.
