Even the most harmonious marriages aren’t always in sync.
Fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce. Second marriages, especially when stepchildren are in the mix, are like doubling-down on a questionable bet. In fact, Psychology Today notes that marital conflict associated with parenting is a big factor behind the 67-percent failure rate of second trips down the aisle.
So how best can you negotiate the various landmines that can lead to familiar blowups? It’s a multi-part question, but here are some answers from the experts.
Negotiating: You and Your Spouse
“The Brady Bunch” set the bar unrealistically high, according to Dr. Kathi Marks, a Glencoe-based psychologist. “That’s not what we’re shooting for today,” she says of the idealistic but improbable TV show. “Now, it’s a stew of family members—all of the individual ingredients are there, they’re not just magically blended together.”
Not surprisingly, Marks notes that conflicts occur most often with adolescents and teens, and that’s when the biological parent needs to step up.
“For any couple, parenting is a challenge. So if one parent feels strongly about an issue—phones at the table, talking respectfully, homework routines, whatever—the other should be supportive. It’s as easy as saying, ‘In this house, these are the rules.’ That shows support for your spouse and sets clear guidelines for the kids.”
Negotiating: You and His Kids
Alisa Lewin-Waldman, an LCSW practicing in Evanston, says that “communicating in openness” is critical to a working blended family dynamic.
“Have a family meeting and let the kids write down what they want to discuss,” she suggests. “Let them know you’re really listening.”
It’s not uncommon for the “new” parent to be considered an outsider, so be prepared for the inevitable, “You’re not my real Mom!” blowup. But while you may be viewed as an “interloper” for the short-term, be clear about respectful behavior for every member of the household, Lewin-Waldman says.
Another key point: Try not to be the one disciplining his kids. Social worker Stephen Rosenbaum counsels, “As a general rule, discipline should emanate from the biological parent—not the stepparent.”
Negotiating: You and Your Kids
Whether because of death or divorce, there was a period of time when you and your kids had your own groove going. The kids had your full, undivided attention, and the rules and dynamics of the household were understood by all.
That all changes when a new spouse and stepkids enter the mix. Understandably, kids who grew up in a household other than yours will have different routines. You and your kids need to be respectful of those differences until the family has settled in and started developing agreed-upon habits.
According to Lewin-Waldman, because dads tend to be more lenient, stepchildren may initially chafe at newly imposed boundaries. If your own kids pipe up about the unfairness of the situation, “remind them that it will take Johnny a little longer to learn the house rules.”
Remember that just as your spouse’s children are now your stepkids, yours are his as well. Mutual respect and strong lines of communication are your goals to ensure a happy blended family.
