Teenagers face a lot of pressure.
They’re expected to succeed academically, fill their schedules with multiple extracurricular activities and handle pressure from both peers and family. All of this while their brains are still developing and they’re deciding exactly who they are and what they want to be.
Keeping that in mind, it’s not surprising that many teens struggle to feel happy. Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, the author of “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness,” was recently invited to speak with the Lake Forest High School Dads’ Club to discuss teenage depression and happiness.
“There’s such a power in happiness that we’re realizing now,” Lombardo says. “The research has shown that when we’re happier, we’re healthier; we have better, stronger relationships. We stay away from vices like overeating or drug use or alcohol use, and we’re more successful in school and in work.”
According to Lombardo, there are three components of happiness:
- Having a positive outlook
- Applying our values and strengths
- Finding meaning in what we do
While a positive outlook, like smiling frequently, is what we typically associate with happiness, research shows that the last two are more predictive of overall emotional well-being. With this in mind, Lombardo encourages parents to help their child find philanthropic work they are passionate about. She also says it’s important for parents to discover what the underlying motivation is for their child’s behavior. If your child is caught drinking, ask them why they decided to drink. If they say it’s because they feel lonely and want to fit in, you can work together to find a positive way to build community with other teens.
What can teens do?
Dr. Darren Weissman of the Infinite Love & Gratitude Wellness Center in Northbrook, and author of “The Heart of the Matter: A Simple Guide to Discovering Gifts in Strange Wrapping Paper,” has a three-step approach to creating happiness:
- Observe where you are unhappy in life.
- Ask the “Truth Question.”
- Focus on what you want instead of what you want to go away.
“The Truth Question is, ‘Hey, if I could create my life, if I could create a day, if I could create a moment, would I choose to feel overwhelmed or stressed about school or life?’ And the answer is actually, ‘Hell no,'” Weissman says. “And it’s so important to create such a ridiculous, obvious question, but we’ve got to remember that the only mind that is aware is the conscious mind. The only mind that chooses is the conscious mind.”
The conscious mind makes up only two to 10 percent of our overall mind, so asking the Truth Question allows teens to appreciate that the stress they’re feeling is part of their subconscious mind.
A parent’s role
Chris Lin, a Lake Forest resident, is a member of the LFHS Dad’s Club, and one of many North Shore parents concerned about teens and their happiness. He says the Dad’s Club is important because parents are able to talk with experts, ask questions and hear the questions other dads are asking.
“It’s a great environment for dads to kind of exchange thoughts, occasionally vent, but also learn more about what’s going on with their kids,” Lin says.
Lin says Lombardo’s approach appeals to him because it’s positive, “which is not always what you hear.” He’s currently working on bringing Lombardo back to the high school to talk with students.
In order for teens to be happy, Dr. Dan Siegel, who participated in three Family Action Network events in Northfield and Wilmette this past month, says it’s important for parents and children to communicate. He adds that adults need to understand the brain’s natural changes during this time in a child’s life and help debunk the myth that adolescents are lazy or crazy.
Whether you are concerned about your child’s happiness or not, Lombardo says parents should ask their teens how happy they are on a scale from zero to 10. When they answer, ask why that number isn’t lower.
“Then they give you all the reasons that they’re happy and that helps highlight the positivity in their life. They figure out themselves things that make them happier, and that’s a great starting point for a conversation about how you can enhance this more.
“What we have to understand is, happiness, sense of purpose, sense of fulfillment, belief in themselves, those are characteristics that far trump getting into Harvard in terms of future success.”
