Although a hook up can be fun and exciting, the expectation to put physical closeness before emotional connection can make teen girls feel awkward, confused and vulnerable.
In this second segment of our teen dating series, we talk with Beth Levine, JD LCSW LLC, a North Shore therapist who works with many teens, to get a handle on how parents can help both girls and guys form healthy relationships. (Read Part 1 of the series, Hook Ups: A Girl’s Perspective on Teen Dating, here.)
There’s been a lot of talk about hookups in the press. In her story for The Atlantic Monthly, titled “Boys on the Side,” journalist Hanna Rosin argues that the hookup culture is actually empowering for goal-oriented young women, who don’t want to lose themselves in a relationship at the expense of career opportunities.
“The most patient and thorough research about the hookup culture shows that over the long run, women benefit greatly from living in a world where they can have sexual adventure without commitment or all that much shame, and where they can enter into temporary relationships that don’t get in the way of future success,” Rosin writes.
Getting casual isn’t that easy
Casual sex may be a liberating choice for women in their 20s and 30s, but Levine does not agree that pervasive hooking up is good for high-school girls—or boys, for that matter. Nor does she agree with the perception that all the kids are doing it.
“Not all teen couples are together for the sexual relationship,” she says. “There are more choices now, but it’s very hard to generalize. Some girls and boys have the old-fashioned idea that they want a traditional boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.”
Still, Levine acknowledges that the encounters are more the norm than in prior generations. And not all hookups are created equal. “I’ve learned from my teenage clients that hooking up means very different things and has different consequences. The kids that do a lot of major hooking up feel a lot worse than the girl who kissed a boy at a party.”
Media plays a part
Hookups are a lot more likely to occur, and be more visible to other kids, when drinking or partying is involved. How sex is portrayed in the media, and the “trickle down” factor from college campuses combine to make hookups seem common to high school kids. But crossing physical boundaries before they are ready, especially for girls, has consequences, says Levine. It can result in “emotional turmoil, depression, a lot of self-esteem issues, vulnerability and difficulty with later relationships. Sex without consequences is really rare.”
Many kids just aren’t ready for commitment at this age, Levine says. “They’re experimenting with sex, but would actually rather not have all the responsibilities that come with a relationship. They would really rather hang out with their friends. But their hormones are telling their bodies to get sexual. In the old days, we had more rules and parameters around it so it really only happened in a committed relationship, but these days we don’t.”
What can parents do?
Parents can help teens establish limits, says Levine. “The societal norms have changed, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s a parent’s job to educate kids.”
She advises parents to tell their kids, “No matter what you see on TV, sex without a relationship is not good for either one of you. The best thing you can do is develop relationships and make it clear that you aren’t interested in hooking up.”
And, despite the visibility of the hookup culture, not all kids buy in, as Levine has seen in her practice. “It’s great to have healthy boundaries,” she says, “Many kids do!”
