When you’re a new mom, there is one topic that tends to dominate most of your conversations: sleep. How’s the baby sleeping? How are you sleeping? Where does the baby sleep? For how long? How do you get the baby to fall asleep? Do you sleep when the baby sleeps? And on and on and on.
In recent years, as the benefits of attachment parenting have gained attention, more parents are grappling with whether or not to co-sleep with their babies. It’s important to distinguish between the two forms of co-sleeping. Room-sharing is simply when baby sleeps in a bassinet or crib in the same room as mom — something many parents do when baby is very little. Bed-sharing, which refers to situations where baby sleeps in mom’s bed, is the more hotly debated form of co-sleeping.
On one side of the debate, attachment-parenting advocates consider bed-sharing (along with breastfeeding) to be the gold standard. Diana West is a spokeswoman for breastfeeding resource organization La Leche League International and author of “Sweet Sleep: Nighttime and Naptime Strategies for the Breastfeeding Family.” She says there’s strong scientific evidence that indicates that the most natural and safest place for a baby to sleep is beside his or her breastfeeding mother.
“Biologically, most mammals, especially primates, sleep next to their mothers,” West says. “Baby is vulnerable during the early days and is safer with the mother.”
Common fears about bed-sharing are that baby is at an increased risk for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) or that a sleeping parent may accidentally roll over onto baby and suffocate her. But West says that when bed-sharing is practiced safely, baby is actually less vulnerable.
“What we know from the reality and human nature is that babies who are breastfeeding are in a protective cove, and the baby’s breath is stimulated by the mother,” she explains. “Baby doesn’t sleep as deeply, which is good because babies under four months are not meant to sleep deeply.”
Of course, safety is paramount when sharing a bed with a baby. West says it’s critical to create a safe bed-sharing environment by following what she calls “The Safe Sleep Seven”:
If a mother is:
1. A non-smoker
2. Sober
3. Breastfeeding
And her baby is:
4. Healthy
5. On his or her back
6. Lightly dressed and unswaddled
And they:
7. Share a safe surface
When the above guidelines are followed, West says, “Then the baby’s risk of SIDS is no greater than in a crib, and any breathing hazards have been hugely reduced.”
Glencoe certified pediatric sleep specialist Susie Parker says different sleeping arrangements work for different families, and she encourages parents to do some research before making a decision. But, for those who choose to co-sleep, she advises a firm mattress without blankets or pillows.
“The safest way to co-sleep is having only mom and baby in the bed,” she adds. “And co-sleeping should never be done on a couch or chair.”
Of course, co-sleeping doesn’t work for all families. Some parents find having baby in the bed is not good for their marriage. Or, some babies are too stimulated by parents’ presence to sleep soundly. Linda Szmulewitz, a certified gentle sleep coach in Chicago, says you can still practice attachment parenting even if your child sleeps in his or her own bed.
“I think moms feel like they have to follow every tenet of a philosophy, and that is not the case,” she says. “If you feel comfortable with something, then it’s probably also good for your child, but if you don’t, then it’s probably not.”
Szmulewitz doesn’t have an official stance on bed-sharing, but she says room-sharing for the first six months is ideal.
If you’d like to keep baby as close as possible, but are uncomfortable with co-sleeping, there are a wealth of products that seek to bridge the gap between the parent’s bed and baby’s separate space. Arm’s Reach makes a range of “co-sleepers,” three-sided bassinets that adjust to align with the parent’s mattress. The Halo Bassinet Swivel Sleeper, another bassinet/co-sleeper hybrid, keeps baby close and swivels to facilitate easy access to bed for Mom or Dad.
Even parents who choose to co-sleep eventually want to transition a child into his or her own room. Rather than doing so-called “sleep training” wherein baby is put to sleep alone in the crib and left to “cry it out” for some period of time, West says parents should look for signs that the little one is ready for more independence and privacy — such as asking for more space or not expressing distress when sleeping alone.
“Sleep training can have horrific outcomes, and we want parents to be very clear about those,” West says. “Sometimes there needs to be a little bit of a nudge from the mother to child to push child gently in direction, but if a child pushes back very hard, the child is not ready.”
Before you begin transitioning co-sleeping children to their own rooms, Parker says to spend some time getting them as comfortable as possible in the space. She says you can do diaper changes and get baby dressed in their own room, and spend time playing there throughout the day.
“I even recommend always having the baby’s bedtime routine in their room and if the parents have not been doing that, I recommend changing it up to a week before the transition,” she says. “Of course, with any transition, you just have to be prepared for how you will respond if your baby is unhappy.”
Whatever their views on co-sleeping before baby is born, West advises soon-to-be parents to at least prepare their bed for safe bed-sharing — because many tired moms end up sleeping with baby even if they didn’t plan on it. That’s why she believes warnings against bed-sharing are ineffective. In fact, she says 75 percent of breastfeeding mothers end up bed-sharing at some point.
“There comes a time when it’s 4 a.m. and you fall asleep with baby in bed without intending to,” she says. “Having a bed safe and prepared for bed-sharing is just like child proofing.”
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