Power and sex are two dynamics that are hard for couples to talk about, but both are huge factors in marital happiness.
Dr. Cheryl Rampage, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and Executive Vice President at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, has worked with couples for decades and knows from her practice—as well as the latest research—how a balance of power and good sex can strengthen long-term relationships.
Rampage defines power as “the ability to have a voice and make it count; the ability to have influence within the relationship.” Many power issues play out in everyday routines like household chores, child care, and how a couple spends their free time. Here are five important things to know about sex and power in relationships:
1. Women are turned on by equality.
When a woman feels she has less power in the marriage, she is less attracted to her husband. “In heterosexual relationships, there’s a lot of research data that marital satisfaction is highly correlated—for women—with equality in the marriage,” Rampage says. “A man still finds his partner appealing regardless of power. But the woman who has less power finds her husband less desirable, particularly if she perceives his privilege as unfair.”
A man who wants more sex might consider whipping out the vacuum or cleaning up the kitchen once in a while. Because research shows, Rampage says, when husbands do housework, their wives are more likely to find them sexually interesting.
2. Marriages where the husband accepts his wife’s influence are happiest.
Men who are fathers today are much more willing to help with the parenting responsibilities than in generations past, but the majority of household chores still fall to women. Rampage says that’s often because the guys just don’t care about how the house appears or the “right” way to fold the towels.
“This gets into the issue of power and influence,” Rampage says. “Who gets to set the standards for how the house looks?” A man may not care about presoaking the laundry, but if he’s willing to do it to accommodate his wife, research shows he’s doing a good thing for his marriage. “One of the highest, most positive correlates to marital satisfaction is a husband accepting his wife’s influence,” Rampage says. Generally, most married women do respond to their husband’s influence. It’s the husband reciprocating that boosts satisfaction.
3. The best sex is about play—not power.
In our society, the theme of female submission is often considered erotic for both men and women, but it shouldn’t be taken literally, Rampage advises. Women may have fantasies of being taken sexually, but they wouldn’t actually want to be raped or ravished. They play with the fantasy of it, because it creates tension and excitement. It’s the play that’s hot—force is not.
“The best sex often has a lot of play in it: play acting, roles, just being playful,” Rampage says. “‘Come over here, I’m going to throw you down on the bed,’ can be really erotic in a playful context. But if someone is actually trying to control the other person, it will probably feel very bad and not increase the erotic component.”
4. Good sex helps, but a lack of sex really hurts.
Studies have shown that good sex increases marital satisfaction by 20 percent. But the more significant finding is that when a couple has little or no sex, happiness decreases by 50-70 percent.
“You don’t have to have fabulous sex for sex to be a protective factor for marital stability, but you have to have some,” Rampage says. “When one partner has a normal interest in sex but the other has none, it’s liable to create distress in a marriage.”
Women are more often considered the lower-libido partner because, as Rampage says, “female sexuality is way more complicated than men’s. What makes women feel desire is just not as straightforward.”
Women may not walk around craving sex, but once they start fooling around, they often get into it. Men and women need to be OK with that, says Rampage. Also, women need to give their partners guidance about what feels pleasurable. Doing this isn’t always easy; but the communication to keep sex alive is vital to a relationship.
“Coordinate between the two of you so you have enough sexual contact and intimacy and connection so that you’re both satisfied,” Rampage says. “If you do that, you’re good.”
5. Pay attention to intention.
Rampage’s biggest piece of advice is to be deliberately considerate of your partner. “Be intentional,” she advises. “That means thinking about your spouse in a positive way, doing positive things to get their attention, making their life easier. It can be in very small ways, like bringing a cup of coffee. Each of these is like a deposit in the marital satisfaction bank.”
