Meet Me in the Mid-Life Crisis Aisle

Cigarette boat? Maserati? Such a male mid-life crisis cliché and so not us. But we’re a little clichéd too.

 

We sent our crack team of amateur sociologists—qualifications include obsessive reading of grocery store tabloids—out and about on the North Shore to identify some different manifestations of the female “mid-life crisis.” Here are a few groups we found.

THE ZEN CHANTERS
Quote: “Oh yes, I’ve got a private meditation instructor, an herbalist, a reiki healer, a breathing guru, and that’s just for my dog.”

Locale: Just back from India doing a handstand in her private in-home yoga studio with eco-friendly bamboo floors and screen doors opening to a professionally landscaped Zen meditation garden.

Outfit: Prana yoga pants, organic-cotton camisole, an off-earlobe piercing, something with a peace sign and something in henna, preferably written in Sanskrit.

THE UBER-EXERCISERS
Quote: “I could kick Jillian Michaels butt. You can sleep when you’re dead.”

Locale: Spynergy in the morning, Midtown Athletic in the afternoon and on her bedroom elliptical machine at night.

Outfit: Size 0 Lululemon workout gear.

THE SOCIAL MEDIA MANIACS
Quote: “I’ve got 1,000 followers on twitter who really do care whether I’m going to use salt or pepper and they need to know my deepest thoughts about the Real Housewives. I just connected with my best friend from 2nd grade’s cousin that I met once 40 years ago, and we’re playing Farmville on Facebook!”

Locale: On the computer, except for emergency outings to the Apple store’s Genius Bar.

Outfit: Bathrobe

THE STEREOTYPE
Quote: “Bet you can’t guess which one of us is the mother and which one is the daughter?”

Locale: Neiman Marcus, Med Spa, Bar at Happ Inn in Northfield or Miramar in Highwood.

Outfit: Not sure, by the time you’ve read this, she’s changed clothes. Those $200 jeans, $800 boots, and $2,500 bag are sooo 5 minutes ago.

Looking for a serious discussion? Read a North Shore native’s account of how she dealt with her husband’s mid-life crisis.