When I told my mother I was writing an article about orgasms, I could feel her cringe over the phone.
“Why?” she asked, “It’s so personal.”
“Mom,” I said, “I’m not writing about my orgasms.”
“Well, I should hope not!” she retorted, thus ending the one and only conversation we’ve ever had on the topic.
My mother isn’t alone in feeling uncomfortable talking about orgasms. For many women, the subject is a source of anxiety, embarrassment, even shame. As a result, many of us aren’t fully informed about the most delightful sensation the body can experience.
Women achieve gratification very differently than men, so even if you are familiar with the facts below, perhaps your mate could use a refresher.
1. For fun in bed, get out of your head
Busy, modern women are notorious multi-taskers and control freaks, but these mindsets are saboteurs of great sex. To fully enjoy herself, a woman must mentally give herself over to the physical experience.
“You can’t experience orgasm when you’re tense and upset,” says Dr. Christianne Northrup, author of “The Secret Pleasures of Menopause.” “And it’s not even enough to be relaxed. To climax, nothing less than total surrender to pleasure is required.”
2. Straight-up sex rarely rings the bell
Fewer than 25% of women climax through intercourse alone. A woman’s hot button is her clitoris, which, since it’s external, is tricky to engage during intercourse. As Dr. Lissa Rankin writes in her book, “What’s Up Down There.” “The truth is that the majority of sexual positions that involve vaginal penetration fail to stimulate the clitoris at all. Most women need something more.”
Men often forget this fact, so to help them relate, ask your guy to imagine having sex without his penis being involved. Not that much fun, right?
3. Women need time – lots of time
According to John Gray, author of “Mars & Venus in the Bedroom.” “A man is biologically wired to become fully aroused very quickly, like a blow torch, while a woman is wired to become aroused slowly and gradually.” Men can reach nirvana after only a couple minutes, but women take up to 10 times longer. A man sustaining an erection longer isn’t the answer. “For women to enjoy great sex,” writes Gray, “stimulation of the clitoris for 5-15 minutes is necessary if he wants her to have an orgasm.”
The bonus of the time investment is that women’s orgasms last three times longer than men’s—roughly 24 seconds to the guys’ measly eight or so.
4. Gratifying a woman makes a man feel manly.
Many women feel embarrassed or selfish asking their partner for so much undivided attention. The good news is that most men want to please their woman—because it makes them feel good about themselves.
“This is the life-giving secret: He judges how well he is doing by the happiness of the woman he is with. The measure of his manhood is how happy you are. The happier you are, the happier he will be. When you are turned on, there’s nothing he can’t do,” writes Nicole Daedone, in her book, “Slow Sex.”
5. Men need a roadmap.
Still, even the most service-oriented guy needs some guidance. With twice as many nerve endings as the penis, the capricious clitoris is extremely sensitive and requires an intuitive touch.
So go ahead and give a little guidance.
It’s important for us to know how our bodies work so that we can experience pleasure as much as the next guy.
