Holiday joy is particularly bittersweet and even painful to anyone who has lost a loved one.
Respecting this loss and accepting the presence of grief as an undeniable part of the season is perhaps the best way to make it through the holidays.
Why All These Emotions Now?
Bereavement experts define them as the stages of grief. Maria Malin, Lake Forest mom and certified grief recovery specialist, gives us a more vivid image: the pendulum. It’s an analogy that has played out all too familiarly with her after their 11-year-old son Steven, Jr., was killed in 2003 by a train.
“In the early debilitating stages after you lose a loved one, your entire existence is riding this pendulum, with extreme swings from disbelief to denial, guilt, shock and anger,” she describes. “You have to go with the swings, feel the intense feelings and most importantly, find a way to work through and not bury your feelings.”
Over time, whether you subscribe to the stages of grief or Malin’s pendulum, these symptoms will become less extreme and flare up with less frequency. But recognize that during highly emotional times like the holidays, your pendulum will swing with more intensity.
“Just as you did right after your loss, you may find yourself crying for no reason, getting irrationally angry, intensely missing your loved one,” admits Malin. “Know that this is okay, recognize and accept it for what it is.”
Moving Forward But Hanging On
Unlike the earliest stages of grief, Malin stresses the importance of not staying hidden “under the covers,” especially if you have other children. It’s important to get out of the house, push yourself through the toughest times of the year, and ultimately find a unique path to healing. The goal is to return to “living life” after “living death.”
As a family, the Malin’s cannot deny Steven’s physical absence as a son and brother. But they have made a conscious commitment to preserving his place with them and finding ways to honor him, especially at the holidays. Malin offers suggestions on making the holidays special after loss of a significant loved one in her book “When You Just Can’t Say Good-bye, Don’t – A Mother’s Personal Journey After Losing a Child.”
Come to Terms with Life’s Randomness
Death is always devastating, but no more so than when it challenges basic assumptions we have about life—like children outlive their parents or bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. “It’s so natural to feel cheated or robbed, to put blame and guilt on yourself or others, even question your faith,” explains Malin.
It can take a very long time to come to terms with the death of a loved one, even longer when the loss defies all reason. Allow yourself to work through the difficult questions, but recognize that you probably will never get the answers you crave. It is the exercise of asking those questions that is cathartic.
Recognize that We All Grieve in Our Own Unique Ways
Grief is a completely individual response, and you can’t predict how you or your spouse or child will react to a traumatic loss. In reality, much of a person’s grief is related to the uniqueness of his or her relationship to the deceased.
Malin explains, “With the tragic loss of a child, you have to remember that the father has a very different relationship dynamic to his child than the mother, and they each have to recognize that they will process grief in a very different way.”
Despite your own agony, it’s critical to support your loved ones. Pay special attention to the uniqueness of another’s relationship with your loved one. Set aside private time when you can step outside your own grief and be present for them as they grieve. Malin calls it being a “whole, active listener.”
Accept that You Don’t “Get Over” Grief
“There is no finite end to grief,” stresses Malin. “You never choose to lose a significant loved one, but it’s the choices you make after it happens that determine what the remainder of your life will be like, and take you on a path to rediscover hope and healing. We choose to find healthy, well-adjusted ways to keep Steven close to us in heart and deed. This is how we move forward with positive living again ourselves. ‘Going on’ without him felt cold and unimaginable. Moving forward with him still spiritually part of us was our only option.”
This message of “moving forward but hanging on” became the premise for Malin’s website, movingforwardhangingon.com. Maria Malin works professionally with individuals facing the challenges of grief and life crises, is a motivational speaker on the topic of grief, and holds monthly support groups on the North Shore.
